Just for Laughs

A girl working with her sponsor asked "Where can I read about my sex problems?"   Sponsor said, "That's covered on page 69."   Later at home the page number got jumbled as she tried to remember and she turned to page 96 for her sex problems.   "Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you."   __________________________________________________________________________________

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He saw a person on the ground and yelled down to him, “Can you help me? I don’t know where I am.” The man replied, “Sure, I’ll help you. You are in a hot air balloon hovering 30 feet above the ground...between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 59 & 60 degrees West longitude.” “Wow, you must be an AA sponsor”, said the man in the balloon. “I am”, said the man, “but what gave me away?” “Well”, answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically right but I am still lost. Frankly you’re not much help at all and you might even have delayed my trip.” “You must be an AA sponsee”, replied the man. The man in the balloon was amazed and said, “I am, but how did you know?”   The man on the ground said, “Well, you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air. You are expecting other people to solve your problems and the fact is that you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow now IT’S MY FAULT” !

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Some of these I remember from my drinking days.

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decide I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realized I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I can't walk straight.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle From the naturalistic point of view, all men are equal. There are only two exceptions to this rule of naturalistic equality: geniuses and idiots. I hate it when I'm talking to myself and catch myself eavesdropping. IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!!

Warnings on Alcohol Products

10.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

9.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back.

8.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

7.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

6.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

5.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back.

4.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

3.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

1.WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may Maak you tink you can tipe real gode.

RENT-A-SPONSOR
Are you tired of being told like it is? Still looking for that easier, softer way? Had enough of that same old time-tested direction? No Reading! No Writing! No Deadlines! STANDARD FEATURES INCLUDE:

*Listening to your sniveling without constant reference to the Big Book or Steps!

*Co-signing your excuses and rationalizations!

*Work only the Steps you want, in the order you choose!

*Learn the secret of giving it away before you even have it!

*Why "walk the walk" when you can just "talk the talk?"

*Remember, it's better to look good than to feel good!

*Why save your ass at the cost of losing your face?

1. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

2. Remember you are very unique, just like everyone else.

3. Never test the depth of water with both feet.

4. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

5. It's always darkest just before dawn, so if you are going to steal your neighbors paper that will be the best time to do so.

6. A jouney of a thousand miles always start with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire __________________________________________________________________________________

Due to the downturn in the economy, Alcoholics Anonymous will NO LONGER be due and membership "Free", as has been the case for almost 75 years. Like many businesses, AA will now be charging for some things that used to be free, such as:

1--Being Rocketed into the 4th Dimension---$49.99 per trip, fuel surcharge applies, extra baggage NOT included. 5th dimension trips optional, see your sponsor for details.

2--Sponsorship--was free, NOW $9.99 per month, with 4 visits/20 phone calls per month free, after that, $2.00 each.

3--Membership Dues now $29.99/month, 10% discount for a 1-year plan.

4--Seating charges--Each seat now $1.00 per meeting, with a 20% discount for the 90-in-90 plan.

5--Pink Cloud was free, NOW $14.99 per cloud, with a $5.00 per event environmental cleanup fee. These are the NEW ozone-free Pink Clouds that do NOT add to global warming.

6--Coffee to be $1.50 per cup, with a 10% discount for 5 or more cups.

7--Hugs now will be $2.50 each.

8--Concious Contact with GOD now $9.99/month, with the first 450 minutes free, then 0.10 cents/minute fee over. New Double your minutes for life plan is a low 49.99 one time charge. Holidays and weekends extra, see rate schedule, as GOD is VERY busy.

9--Accidental cell phone going off charge now set at $25.00 per episode.

10--"Ive been Thinking" fees to now be $3.00 each, with a relapse re-entry fee of only $99.99 each, if your lucky enough to make it back into the rooms.

Please, void where prohibited by law, AA reserves the right to change none, all, or some of these rates at anytime, with no notice to you. If you need a notice of change of rates, a written request may be sent to headquarters in new York, of course, a $10.00 fee applies. __________________________________________________________________________________

The doctor told his patient that he had 10 days to live unless he quit drinking. The man said, "Isn't there anything else I can do besides quit drinking?" The doc said. "Well, you could go down to the beauty parlor & get a mud pack every day." The man said, "Really? Will it help?" The doc replied, "No, but it'll get you used to dirt. __________________________________________________________________________________

"A sober alcoholic & a wet drunk are sitting at the table before the meeting. The sober one says, "I feel terrible. I just hit a squirrel driving my car."   The drunk says, "Why'd you let him drive your car in the first place?" __________________________________________________________________________________

The woman who completed a three-month inpatient treatment program--Gladys Overwith

The speaker at an Eleventh Step Workshop--Neal DuPre

The AA with a big ego problem--Meg LaMania

The AA with a not-to-be-topped drinking monologue--Upton O'Goode

The woman who didn't work the Steps and relapsed--Ida Dunmore

The guy who was found dead--Igor Mortis

The AA with 50 years sobriety--Amanda Reckonwith

The woman who emphasized to her sponsee that AA is a simple program--Ella Mentary

The woman who tried to think her way into right living rather than living her way into right thinking--Sarah Belham

The newcomer who read thru the whole Big Book in one sitting--Page Turner

The woman who was thrown out of her former boss's office when she tried to make amends--Kirsten Reviled

The guy with an attitude of gratitude--Rich Blessing

The lady at AA meetings who was always dressed to the nines--Natalie Dressed

The AA long-timer who told newcomers that AA is a selfish program--Xavier O'Nassis

The woman who got drunk on a boat and fell overboard--Eliza Stern

The guy whose first car after he got sober was a stick-shift--Manuel Transmission

The woman who told all her sponsees that they could choose to drink or to stay sober--Frieda Choose